Pro Ana - Size 0

I hope you all are doing well, I just wanted to note when it comes to new years resolutions, I was looking at my posts from almost a year ago and I noticed I have successfully dropped 3 and a half sizes this year!
I started at size 3/4 and am now a size 0.

 It just shows that persistence is key. Also, to limit calories and be aware of your body, I strongly believe weighing daily is a good thing.
I did start to get a little obsessed with the scale a month or so ago, but just keep it under control.
Control is the name of the game isn't it?

I feel so much better now then I did last year at this time. Not just in weight, I feel like the way we feel about ourselves has a lot to do with the progress we make in the world. If I feel better about myself I'm going to go out and have the strength to go for my goals and make my life what I want it to be with nothing holding me back. I  will not be my own chains holding me down from achieving what I want.

I live by the belief that independence and control are my freedom. If I am independent and have control over my life, then I have the world at my feet and I can do anything!

So can you!

That's my thought,
I'll check back Monday,

Love ya!

Lose Weight

It's time for some of my Favorite things!! as Oprah says!
So I have been doing well, I have A few tips and tricks I've been using to keep from feeling deprived.
I do feel like I've lost weight also, but I haven't weighed yet.
I will, don't worry.
Let me just set a goal right now!!
By next Friday I want to be 105 lbs.

 Tomorrow is a brand new day I'm going to do a liquid fast this weekend.
It should be pretty easy since I got an amazing little devise called a Ninja
                      !
As seen here  V

So I recently made this incredible Recipe which would make a great replacement for Mashed potatoes.
If you like mashed potatoes but don't want all the calories that come with it you can try my Recipe.
Mashed Carrots -
Start by cooking chopped carrots until soft, then put them into the Ninja with a little salt and pepper to taste and There you have it! Very low in calories and taste and texture is similar to mashed potatoes.


OK, so lately I've been experimenting with my new Ninja which I really love because you can also make juice with it (just throw in the fruit, and a little water) also you can add some ice to that to make it a smoothie, so Ninja will help with my liquid fast, but mainly I plan to do water, and coffee, and I'll weight on Monday after the weekend of fasting.

It shouldn't be too hard since I haven't had much of an appetite lately. I haven't been sleeping well either, but all in all I do feel emotionally good. I have started to think about my resolutions for next year which is exciting! What about you? what is yours going to be?

This year mine was to not get into a serious relationship, focus on school, my son, and get into better shape, and this year I have done all of those!

I'm feeling really excited about this weekend, The weather is finally cool, even cold in the morning and evenings, and it feels wonderful! The air is so fresh and so crisp, and I found some delicious pumpkin spice coffee that I have been brewing every morning! Oh I love it so :)



So I also have a tip for salads.
Starting with just lettuce lets estimate you have about 30 calories
Then I suggest making your own dressing so you can really control the calories that go in.
With my Ninja I made a Grilled Pepper dressing that came out really delicious.
I put grilled yellow, green, red peppers, onion, and a little vinegar, and some rosemary to taste. 
 (Vinegar helps cleanse fat, has been proven to help skin conditions from eczema to aging brown spots, and helps fight against food cravings.)
It tastes great and has 10 calories per serving. (A heaping tablespoon)
I suggest using spring mix lettuce for this dressing, It gives it a more nutritious and fuller texture.

So this weekend fast, and weighing in on Monday!
I'll check back probably on Monday and let you know how it went.

-Blue Butterfly

Fly Away for a Moment

So, I went on a drive to the mountains to breathe for a moment.

I took this photo while I was up there.

Wow it was breath taking! That's beautiful right there.

I have been so stressed with school, work, and not having any time for myself.

My motto is to take time to breathe and it was time for me to take my own advise.

I had gotten all my College work done so I drove up to the mountains!

The fall season is my favorite season, and it is finally here. I can finally open my windows in the evenings and let cool air in! It's fantastic!

So I drove with the windows down singing to the radio and got out and walked around.

It was just what I needed.

My weight has been steady at 108 so that's good, I feel good about that. Fall has inspired me to cook more gourmet dishes so I will be experimenting with beets, and my favorite food (Salads!!!)

Although I do want to lose 8 pounds before Halloween, or at least 5 pounds. 

So Salad and fruit have been my loves lately! I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Stay lovely my friends,

Blue Butterfly~

Not too Bad - Pro-Ana

OK, so after weighing it is not as bad as I was worried about. I'm still 110lbs.
It seems like it wouldn't be too hard to get down to 108 or 107 by my birthday in 4 days.
Let's see how that goes. I bought a bunch of fruits and salad today and stocked up my fridge. so I expect to not need to go to a store at least for a week. Let's do this! I am relieved to see that  I am not 115 like I thought I would be. Tonight I ate grapes, a pear and a nectarine for dinner, and I have two cups of tea and a bottle of water. so I'm full and feel good.
Well, here we go! I'll lose weight this week for sure! weighing everyday again.
Wish me luck,
Blue Butterfly

Still Size 0 - Pro Ana

Hi my loves,
     It has been awhile since I have posted last.
I had a weekend where I was forced by social pressures to eat more then I felt comfortable with, and I stopped weighing myself. I had felt some weight gain and was too scared to weigh. so it's been weeks since my last weigh in. and it was a couple pounds up at 110. :( I was not happy about that at all.
So, I have been feeling out how my body looks and feels in my clothes, so far I'm still a size 0 . . .wew relief.
I still don't feel comfortable weighing though. My birthday is coming up next week and a month ago I made a goal to be 105 by my birthday. If I was to reach that goal I should have been realistic and faced my weight on the scale. I still have a week, so I am going to work hard to get at least  to a scale happy weight.
I don't feel that I am too far off from my long time weight of 108 that I had maintained for most of this year.
Unfortunately I have been battling with exhaustion for the last month or so. I maintain taking my vitamins, and drinking coffee in the mornings, but by mid day I have no energy. I also have been working hard on school work. I'm taking a full time load on top of full time work, and being a single mom.
So, to start off my birthday week weight loss kick I will fast the rest of today and weight myself tonight.
eh . . .. .I dread it. and from there I will work hard to be very active and eat  healthy.

Good luck to us all,
Your Blue Butterfly

Bones

Ah beautiful bones,
Today I feel better then last week.
 I plan to work 12 hr shifts all next week and that will help me keep my mind off my weight. although I've been obsessed with weighing myself lately. I probably weigh myself about 6 or more times a day on my days off. keeping busy is the key. It keeps me from eating and keeps me from mia.
today I'm almost 107 I see clearly bones on my chest and ribs on my back.
It's a nice feeling. I'm almost at my goal of 95lbs. It's so close.
at this rate of weight loss I may be at my goal by my birthday in Sept.

Til next time loves!

Who do I see? Mia looking back at me.

When I have my hair pulled back tied into a knot,
a look of determination in my face and bones showing through my chest.
Who do I see?
When I try to eat a peach and end up feeling too full from it, so I NEED to p.
and because I can't p with so little food in my stomach I b.
Before I p I feel like a failure, and I hate to feel the weight in my stomach.
Afterwards when I wash my face I feel free and light and CLEAN.

I like to see the bones on my chest and my ribs on my back.
But who do I see looking back at me?
I see a sad version of me. I don't want to be mia, I feel healthier when I don't p
I hate mia.

Mia hurts me, and Ana sets me free.

I am trying to stop p-ing.
I MUST Stop.
It's gotten a little out of hand in the last couple days.
My goal is to be free from mia's grasp and to eat in a way that feels comfortable which is light.

This is a time when need you and your support the most.
Help me be strong loves.

I will get through this small bump in the road, I already feel better.
Tomorrow I'll eat fruit and kelp noodle soup to get back on track.
my kelp noodle soup is one of my favorite meals, it doesn't make me feel too full,
and makes me feel good.

With your help I can be better.

18.5 BMI

Ah, finally I'm underweight.
I don't feel small though, I feel fat.
It was almost too easy, with working so much this last week it was easy to not think about food or being hungry.
so I'm back down to 108. on the low end so I think after fasting today I'll lose another pound to a pound and a half, and tomorrow fast and lose another pound to a pound and a half, so by the time I see my friend for his birthday I will hopefully be 105. then I only have 10 more pounds to my goal!
I do plan to have dinner with him for his birthday, but I'll get a salad.
The key is maintenance, and persistence. as long as you have eating habits that are maintainable long term you can succeed!
I will allow myself an apple or a negative calorie food today if I feel I need it.
I especially like to make a vegetable  broth from a bullion cube (10 calories) , and add some kelp noodles (10 calories) to help with the appearance of consumption. also the noodles have nutrients like calcium, and fiber which can only be a good thing.

So I feel good!
Until next time loves!!
Stay focused!

Keep going~

just keep going keep working keep fighting for what you want.
you can do it slowly but surely. i have stayed around 109 lately. im happy about that because i also fit nicely in my size 0 pants.
i am trying to keep busy and be thankful for the somewhat of a balance that i have in my life right now. im trying to avoid eating around people too much and eating only  a small amount of low calorie foods when i do eat. today i have a sore throat so im going to try not to p today. lately i p almost everyday which im not happy about. it makes me feel defeated when
im standing trying so hard to get something out knowing its inside me makeing me feel sick.
and finally when im done and satisfied i have tears in my eyes and a sore throat.
its very upsetting or at least it has been in the last couple of days.
i feel like i need a break.
hopefully by sunday when i see my friend for his birthday ill have lost more weight.

i want him be wowed when he sees me. i want to feel beautiful.

Don't take from me, I have nothing to give - I am empty

I want so much to feel love, to BE loved. . .  .but for some reason I don't feel as though I am worthy of love right now. I'm not sure why, maybe because I have not actually been loved by a man in many years, or maybe because I don't feel happy with my appearance? Will I finally feel worthy after I open my business and am my ideal 95lbs.? or will I only want to be smaller?

In any sense I have been doing well on my cleanse/fast this week.
I have lost 2lbs. and feel a little better from earlier this week.

Little by little this year I will get to place where I feel good about myself and my appearance.
Right now I feel good about my house, my environment, my son, and my work, but not me.
I guess that's the point of work in progress, but I feel so alone.

I feel like I will never be loved. This is my rant -
I have a couple of people in my life who want to get close to me, but only for their own personal gain, because they find me attractive and see that I am strong and intelligent and have my life together, and I actually have a life and they don't, so they want my time and my energy, but I don't have those to give or waste. These people only want to take when right now I need to give to myself and take care of my son, that's it. I have nothing left to give to others. Those people don't love me, they only want me to entertain them. -
And this is my lesson-

If I feel empty, how can I give?
How can I love without anyone to love me back?
If I take care of everyone else who takes care of me?


Stay strong, and don't let people take from you without them giving back.

Cleanse and Fast this week!!

For the last day or two I have been feeling very bloated and gross.
I am still 110lbs. so at least that's not any gain.
This week starting tomorrow I'm going to cleanse and fast.
The question is how to fast exactly. Should I only drink my morning coffee and then a protein shake in the evening for dinner? If I do that then I'll be consuming about 200 calories a day.
Hmm . . .That sounds like a good plan. I will count calories and keep my consumption under 200 calories a day at least for the next 4 days.
I hope I can be strong and not give in to temptation.

With you I'll break my plateau.

Thanks my loves,
Blue Butterfly

So close . . .

So close to under weight.
 Right now I am 110 and my bmi is 18.9.
I really want to to weight 95lbs.
That's it! it seems to easy, so in reach.
I want it so bad i can taste it. Haha! ;)
I only need to lose 15 more pounds and my BMI will be 16.3.
That's what I want. That's what I'm working for,
 so I know I've done pretty well with eating habits, now it seems I need to increase my metabolism.
So Today me and my son danced for a good two hours until he got tired and I put him down for a nap.
then it was hard to wind down to relax, but I started looking on my blogs and stuff and decided to update a few . I am going to go shopping for a new bike this weekend, hopefully I'll find one, so me and my son can go for long bike rides so I can get lots of exercise and increase my metabolism.
I have been doing a few cleanses throughout the last week to help flush out the waste and get a more accurate weigh in. so today I went to the store and I got some precooked peppered salmon so I can stay focused and not binge. so my plan is  to eat a little salmon and a small glass of red wine for dinner (which I'm trying to eat earlier also) and to drink my regular coffee in the morning with my vitamins. I plan to keep better track of calories also, because I have been bad and drank starrbucks venti coffee a couple times in the last week and I feel they have prevented me from losing more this last week. so I need to get a black coffee instead of my 10,000 calorie hazelnut latte. lol.

Ok, so let's stay focused and disciplined!!
I'll check in again soon my loves.
Blue Butterfly

They call it ED, I call it life

Hi all my beauties,

      I hope you are all feeling good.
I am finally in my house getting all settled in. I have my work out meditation room all set up and a garden already started! I have gotten down to 108lbs. but over the last weekend I spent it around my son's father and ended up gaining 3 pounds, so I'm back up to 111lbs. so I'm not too happy about the gain, but I will be very disciplined this week and am hoping to get back down by this Saturday. My goal this week is to lose 5 lbs.
Living alone has made me feel so much better. I finally left my cheating baby daddy, and the lack of stress I feel has helped me so much. I have been taking my vitamins like I should be everyday, and working out and eating light and sparse, I generally will eat one meal a day in the evening for dinner with my son. I have been trying to improve the health of my hair so I have been trying to eat more salmon, so I will eat a small portion of salmon with a glass of wine and possibly some sauteed Shitake' mushrooms, Onion, and Spinach, or a small salad if I feel hungry. The trick has been to not feel the food, once I begin to feel "comfortable" I stop eating. throughout the work week while I'm at work I'll sip some coffee in the mornings and switch to sipping flavored water if I feel hungry in the middle of the day.
So, so far so good, from where I started at 125 to now I feel much better and went from a size 4 to a size 2.
I plan to keep going til I feel comfortable in my skin. My most current goal is to weigh 100lbs.

In reference to my title, I want to say that I love my eating habits, I love that losing feeling I feel when I haven't eaten all day, and I don't plan to stop the lifestyle I have developed for myself.

Some people would call it an eating disorder, but I say it is a customized eating plan I feel good about.
I like feeling light, and free from being weighed down physically (and emotionally) In any sense of the word.
I feel that by leaving Toxic people behind me, and moving into my new house and getting back to my Buddhist rituals and practices that I can achieve the body and soul that I desire.


Thanks to all of you and your support we can stay strong and confident together.
Til next time,
Your Blue Butterfly

Consumed by Consumption

I observed recently how much people are consumed  by consumption.

Yes I've seen it before and so have you, but it is interesting when you sit back and look at how much people are always thinking about their next food or "Snack" I loath that word.
Lately I've been doing really good, feeling strong, and feeling lighter and lighter.

A man that I was seeing awhile ago contacted me last Friday telling me he missed me. That made me feel great, and gave me more motivation to avoid food.
He is a man who I'm pretty sure has a male form of anorexia, he is always restricting and always telling me about new diets hes on, and he is very skinny already. It encourages me to want to be really tiny because if I'm around him I don't want to feel fat. I of course LOVE to cook and have people eat my food and tell me how amazing of a cook I am, so I told him once I move and get settled in I'll have him come down here and We'll go hiking, and do all kinds of wonderful fun stuff. and of course I plan to cook for him.
He is on a gluten free, palio and something new type of diet. so there is a challenge for me, but I love a challenge when it comes to cooking.

I am excited to move and have a new beginning and I would like part of my new beginning to be 100lbs or less too. right now I'm at 115. give me another week and I think I'll be down to 110, so like I've said before Consistency is key!!

Winning! By Losing.

Yay! I lost a couple pounds and have been feeling good. I am down half a size from 3\4 to a size 3 so I'm happy about that. I threw out a lot of my size 4 short that were loose and bought some size 3 pants and shorts and a tight black skirt so I am pretty happy right now. Also I was having an issue with my hair breaking easily so it was starting to look unhealthy, so I started using TRESemmé naturals shampoo and conditioner and it has been helping a lot! I also trimmed the ends of my hair to help it look healthier and it is still longer then half way down my back and it looks and feels better so that is good news!
I'm not at 115 yet but I'm down to 117 so that's good just give me a couple more days I'll get there.
I'm also trying to lose some of my resent muscle that was built so wish me luck!
I have been taking my vitamins regularly and haven't had any problem with feeling tired so thanks to vitamins!

I hope you are all doing great!
Stay strong my loves.

Fresh Ideas

Hello Everyone!

I hope you are all doing great, feeling great and looking great!!

I have so many changes going on in my life right now I feel anxious about it all.
I think it has helped me to not want to eat. Yesterday I went to the casino and played blackjack for a couple hours. It was fun. I started with $40 and left with $30 so it wasn't too bad a loss.
Lately I have liked to sip on a wine cooler in the evening. It helps me not eat a bunch of candy, I'm not sure if it's worse though.
I haven't gained any weight lately so far only maintained the recent loss, but that's good. This week I'm
going to work on losing more. I haven't eaten anything today, I've only drunken 2 cups of coffee and am working on my first bottle of water. Yesterday I did great! I fasted all day as I ran errands and spent time with my son, then about 8pm (I know too late to eat) I wasn't even feeling hungry but my mom wanted to go eat crab legs and since they are my Favorite I agreed. I only had three clusters though, so I didn't feel bad enough to P. So I didn't but I did take two lax' in the evening with some water to help flush that heavy feeling away. And it has worked I feel much better.

So, I'm excited this month because I'm going dancing (hopefully this Fri) but I know for sure on the 27th. Of this month. Yay I love to dance! I'm sure it has helped sculpt my legs, I get a lot of compliments on how beautiful my legs are and how they look like dancers legs. (not a stripper dancer, get your mind out of the gutter lol) So I thought well not everyone has the time to dance so here are some fresh Ideas to have nice sculpted legs!


Sexy calves move

Stand up tall with your feet slightly wider than your hips and toes turned out 45 degrees. Keeping your legs straight, tap your heels on the floor twice, then raise yourself onto your tiptoes; repeat 25 times.
Finish up by doing a single heel-tap followed by a heel-lift 20 times, going as quickly as you can. Perform this whole routine three times a week, and you should have better-defined calves in just 4 weeks.

If you tighten your butt muscles on the lift up then it'll help you have a nice firm butt too!

Until next time darlings!

New year, New You!

Hi everyone!

      I hope you are feeling strong and beautiful!
Here we are a new year. I feel great about this coming year.
I have only lost a couple pounds on the scale (I weighed myself yesterday)
but I know I have gained muscle and lost fat and that's the point is fat loss.
I still would love to weigh 100- pounds but I'm confident that if we stick together and support each other we will all reach our goals.
I have been very good and disciplined lately, I don't even really think about food much, and I have cut candy waaay out. Lol! I find it's easier for me not to think about food if I'm  not trying so hard to drink tons of water. So I haven't been drinking as much as I should. Although if I feel hungry I have grabbed for the water, and I have been drinking more in the evening with some flavor mix in my giant water bottle, It tastes good so I suck it down. I have been b/p less also so that is of course better for my health.
 Yesterday was a long day for work, and after work I was hungry so I treated myself to some peppered smoked salmon and crab legs! I LOVE Crab soooo much mmmm! I have been working really hard these last couple months at work and also getting in shape for the new media season. I have so many projects going on it overwhelms me when I think too much about it.
I'm also thinking about moving soon. Somewhere in town where I live now, but I'm thinking about finally leaving the cheater who never loved me, who I'm with right now. I only stayed because my baby was so young and I didn't want some other woman coming into bf's life and playing house with my new baby. So now my son is old enough I think it's time we moved on. I'm afraid how the change is going to be. I hate split ups with long term relationships when you've lived together. It feels so much like starting over in life. Except this time I have my little helper. I won't be completely alone anymore.
I enjoy the times when It's just me and my son. They feel like it was meant to be. Free.
So after Everything going on in my life, all the change all the projects, all the work,

This is a year of Stability and Strength. Strength for me, you, and my son.
This year represents Letting go of the past and moving forward with the future!
Stay strong my beauties! We'll make it.