Who do I see? Mia looking back at me.

When I have my hair pulled back tied into a knot,
a look of determination in my face and bones showing through my chest.
Who do I see?
When I try to eat a peach and end up feeling too full from it, so I NEED to p.
and because I can't p with so little food in my stomach I b.
Before I p I feel like a failure, and I hate to feel the weight in my stomach.
Afterwards when I wash my face I feel free and light and CLEAN.

I like to see the bones on my chest and my ribs on my back.
But who do I see looking back at me?
I see a sad version of me. I don't want to be mia, I feel healthier when I don't p
I hate mia.

Mia hurts me, and Ana sets me free.

I am trying to stop p-ing.
I MUST Stop.
It's gotten a little out of hand in the last couple days.
My goal is to be free from mia's grasp and to eat in a way that feels comfortable which is light.

This is a time when need you and your support the most.
Help me be strong loves.

I will get through this small bump in the road, I already feel better.
Tomorrow I'll eat fruit and kelp noodle soup to get back on track.
my kelp noodle soup is one of my favorite meals, it doesn't make me feel too full,
and makes me feel good.

With your help I can be better.

18.5 BMI

Ah, finally I'm underweight.
I don't feel small though, I feel fat.
It was almost too easy, with working so much this last week it was easy to not think about food or being hungry.
so I'm back down to 108. on the low end so I think after fasting today I'll lose another pound to a pound and a half, and tomorrow fast and lose another pound to a pound and a half, so by the time I see my friend for his birthday I will hopefully be 105. then I only have 10 more pounds to my goal!
I do plan to have dinner with him for his birthday, but I'll get a salad.
The key is maintenance, and persistence. as long as you have eating habits that are maintainable long term you can succeed!
I will allow myself an apple or a negative calorie food today if I feel I need it.
I especially like to make a vegetable  broth from a bullion cube (10 calories) , and add some kelp noodles (10 calories) to help with the appearance of consumption. also the noodles have nutrients like calcium, and fiber which can only be a good thing.

So I feel good!
Until next time loves!!
Stay focused!

Keep going~

just keep going keep working keep fighting for what you want.
you can do it slowly but surely. i have stayed around 109 lately. im happy about that because i also fit nicely in my size 0 pants.
i am trying to keep busy and be thankful for the somewhat of a balance that i have in my life right now. im trying to avoid eating around people too much and eating only  a small amount of low calorie foods when i do eat. today i have a sore throat so im going to try not to p today. lately i p almost everyday which im not happy about. it makes me feel defeated when
im standing trying so hard to get something out knowing its inside me makeing me feel sick.
and finally when im done and satisfied i have tears in my eyes and a sore throat.
its very upsetting or at least it has been in the last couple of days.
i feel like i need a break.
hopefully by sunday when i see my friend for his birthday ill have lost more weight.

i want him be wowed when he sees me. i want to feel beautiful.

Don't take from me, I have nothing to give - I am empty

I want so much to feel love, to BE loved. . .  .but for some reason I don't feel as though I am worthy of love right now. I'm not sure why, maybe because I have not actually been loved by a man in many years, or maybe because I don't feel happy with my appearance? Will I finally feel worthy after I open my business and am my ideal 95lbs.? or will I only want to be smaller?

In any sense I have been doing well on my cleanse/fast this week.
I have lost 2lbs. and feel a little better from earlier this week.

Little by little this year I will get to place where I feel good about myself and my appearance.
Right now I feel good about my house, my environment, my son, and my work, but not me.
I guess that's the point of work in progress, but I feel so alone.

I feel like I will never be loved. This is my rant -
I have a couple of people in my life who want to get close to me, but only for their own personal gain, because they find me attractive and see that I am strong and intelligent and have my life together, and I actually have a life and they don't, so they want my time and my energy, but I don't have those to give or waste. These people only want to take when right now I need to give to myself and take care of my son, that's it. I have nothing left to give to others. Those people don't love me, they only want me to entertain them. -
And this is my lesson-

If I feel empty, how can I give?
How can I love without anyone to love me back?
If I take care of everyone else who takes care of me?


Stay strong, and don't let people take from you without them giving back.